Year 2014 end, hello 2015

Well, year 2014 will soon end with less than a week time. Time for 2014 review,huh? Well, the first quarter of the year was average for me as I really had a tough time coping up with my dad's inheritance issue plus the family almost broke down due to some conflict.It was really difficult time.Sabah trip was on March and I had a great time there with hubby. The visit to Ipoh Specialist Centre to see gynae was a mental torture.Stop that in April as I cant go back Ipoh that often.During this time, I focus on my work instead of the idea of having a child. To me, there are many other things in life than having a kid at home.Its not that I dont like kids but if we already tried and judging by my health conditions, why not focus on other things and accept the truth? My mum and hubby in this issue but I got really tired of it. Second half of the year was great with Phuket trip this year. Have a wonderful time except the part "no electricity". Everything was nice there and amazed with Fantasea and aqua show. Well, 2015 is approaching and overall, I am satisfied with what I went through this year. It was hard to cope up with my mum as the fact dad is no longer around is still hard to accept. Its already two years and up till today, I still think of him and occasionally cry too. I tried to comfort my mum and ask her to be strong as she still having hard time coping with it. Well, life still have to go on. Ok, time for 2015 resolutions

1) Get my Melaka house key asap and rent it out to cover the bank loan
2) I miss out the opportunity to see JKS in Korea on Jan 24 due to my heavy training schedule. His concert will be at Japan, I think it is way over my budget, thus no choice, need to see him from far( Youtube and through CRIJ 6.Officially his fan club member from 1 Jan 2015. Hehe...
3) Holiday in Seoul, Korea end of the year during winter time.Best if can double purpose..to attend JKS concert but I doubt he will have it two times in a year.
4) Get my share grant ( yes, money..Thank you, TIME DOT COM for giving me the shares FREE.
5) Achieve all my KPI and get BONUS so that my bank accounts will have more than 4 digits ,please.
6) Each year, I hope that I can conceive baby  but  I change my mind this time. Please give me good health to myself and my hubby and  I hope we stay safe and sound for the year 2015.
7) Good health to my mum and I hope someday, she wont cry anymore when think of my dad.
8) Hope I can have more patience and stay focus on my work and smooth sailing year 2015
9) Change car? Each year, when i calculate the money, I drop the idea. Still dream of getting nonlocal car. Hmm...
10) Have less conflict with my hubby's family. Driving me crazy. I dont think this can achieve judging by my hot tempered personality.

A quiet birthday with my hubby and mum

It was just a very quiet birthday with my hubby and mum this year. This is due to my birthday falls on weekdays. However, i got a very special birthday present from TIME this year. Yes, TIME is giving share to high performance staff only. Give, ok, not e source. 500 shares for my performance last year. Its not much but better than nothing. Sometimes i feel very exhausted, not easy to handle my mum without hurting her feelings. She is very sensitive ever since daddy not around.Bought lots of shoes nowadays. Although bought Skechers but I still got myself a Reebok shoes as well. Well, next year, with GST coming, no more shoes, no more clothes unless really necessary. This kind of mentality is causing me to spend more money...nyek nyek. My luggage bag was spoilt during my Singapore trip. It was bought by my dear daddy for me so feel a bit pain. No, I not going to throw it away as it was a good one. Plan to bring it for repair in Ipoh (crossed fingers it can be repair). In the meantime, I bought a Barry Smith one for myself. Ok, dun make me feel guilty , I was actually planning to get a Samsonite one  but it was way too expensive. American Tourister is a good brand too, this one I can afford but why pay attention so much to brand? Most importantly, can last, right? Samsonite can last a lifetime definitely but thinking about the money, nah, cant so I get Barry Smith one instead. I assume should be ok since they give 3 year warranty on the bag. Lets hope it will last. Was planning to go to Bangkok but drop the idea down as my Korea trip is still pending. Praying hard I can make it to Korea next year. Last but not least, I was hoping I can go to my TEAM H concert as well next year. Once in a lifetime , I must see my idol, JKS face to face on the stage. Due to money constraint, I din join CriJ 5 last year. This year, make the effort to join his official fan club. Its not cheap, but what the heck, love him way too much so I join. My registration was successful thanks to the help of the other eels( JKS fans is called eels), now waiting for the membership card to arrive all the way from Korea. Some will ask, how come at this age, still like Korean idol? To me, JKS is no ordinary guy, he is very special. He has his own principles, his dreams and he is very hardworking. His voice is simply wonderful.Ok, enough of my idol. Life so far has been great. I miss you , daddy but I know you will always there in our heart. Mum sometimes will complain about you but to me, you always the best daddy.

October and turning into 29 soon

How time flies. I will be approaching 29. Birthday soon but no suprises this year. Hubby bought a breadmaker for my birthday, Nothing much to ask for. Love the Seiko watch he bought for me last year. Dorothy Perkins just reload their winter fall collection so I grab myself a dress and a blouse from Subang Parade.Due to my size, very hard to find clothes that can fit in. Although is expensive, but if look nice, spend a little bit more is ok,right? Tried a few but material is those sticking my body, can see my poyo belly.....Will save the blouse for CNY. Well, things going very well. Start to pay my Ultrapolis apartment, my MLK house is ready and waiting to collect keys. Car accident the other day but very minor scratches at the bumper and car plate. Already get a new car plate last weekend. Life is great, can I be a bit greedy? Perhaps get myself another studio apartment?

Happy Birthday to my daddy...

I didnt forget that today was your birthday, daddy. Cant believe it was the third year we cant celebrate your birthday together.
In fact, we can never do that anymore. The pain never go away even after two years.Each time I think of you, tears start rolling into my eyes.
It was the same for mum as well. We have move on but the part you are gone will always be there each time I think of you.
I miss you, daddy. I feel I can do better , in fact much better but you just left , just like that.
As I look back, you are the one always cracking up jokes and you seldom scold your children. I, as your second child feel blessful to have
such a caring daddy. In my heart, you are always the best daddy. I cant deny that I feel it is unfair for you to leave just like that.
I blame god for taking away such a good person away from me. I knew u will leave someday but never on my mind, it will be in such a way.
you never said goodbye, I never even had a chance to say goodbye. In my memories, you always there, just like how u help me to organise my wedding.
I never have to worry thanks to I having a good daddy like u.Although your voice was very loud, but you never raise your voice to me.Not that I remember.
I miss hanging out with you , our MCD session or our JJ session.you are not just my daddy, you are my best buddy as well. Happy birthday daddy and I miss you...

A cold Thursday morning

It is me again.Been stressful nowadays. No wonder the amount of white hair on my head has doubled up. A lot
is on my mind. Especially work work and work. How am I going to meet my kpi this year? The stress on baby also the same.
Mum keep nagging and pushing me to do the laproscopy ovarian drilling.I feel alone as if I am the only one left in
this world each time I need to face this kind of issue. It is indeed mental torturing. Is it not having children
is the end? No, it isnt. I have many other things to settle. I know mum is worried but I am sorry, this is beyond my control.
If you were in my shoes, u will know how hard it is for me to accept the fact, I can never have kids.
My hubby feels the same as well with all the questions from his frens and colleagues. I dont want to give him
a hard time , it is like adding salt in the wound.no matter what happens, as long as we have each other, i think
it is enough.Recently, I get to know the value of money better. What is money? I never felt so poor in my life.
Well the reality hits me. When you dont have money,each cent counts and you need to think twice before you buy something.
I sometimes feel sad when I think of myself reaching the age of 50 years old. Without money, how to survive?
What if I am sick, like diabetes, hypertension? I dont even have children that can look after me, or someone who call me.This kind of thoughts
will bring tears to my eyes.It was even more painful when I tot of my hubby. I always tell my mum, we are consider lucky. How many people are there
who has children but the children is far away and they dun even have money. This is where the importance of money comes to me.
When we are young, we can make money as people will hire, but what happens when you are old? You wont be able to make money.
Each and everyone of us will grow old.I have seen old aunties selling biscuit just to survive.Pityful. Luck wasnt on their side.
Children nowadays tend to forget their parents, where their roots come from.I see children scolding their parents just because the parents doesnt have money.Imagine if someday
your children scold u, yet this ungrateful children never put their shoes in the parents.I am not saying I am perfect either, I will try my very best.
I feel I have not done enough, not enough for my daddy. The memories is still very fresh on my mind.It was father's day.
I went back to my hometown one week before Father's day and I did treat my dad a nice meal at Jusco Station 18. It never occur to me, it was my last meal with my dad.
On the week which is the exact Father's day, I din go back. My elder sis and her family went home and when I call my dad, he was asking me to go back along with my sis.
I was tired, thus I told him, I need to spend time with hubby too since I already went back Ipoh previously.I didnt know that it was my last chance to see my daddy.
Learning from this, no matter how difficult my mum is, I tried to be patient. Although I m not earning much, I bring her to nice food, travelling to short trips as her leg
still not yet fully recovered.
I still give money to her every month, its not much but enough to make her happy. Even when my dad is alive, I do give money to him monthly also just to make him happy.
Will be bringing my mum to Singapore soon in Oct. I feel we as children must do our part, doesnt mean your parents has a lot of money, children can take advantage.
Its not the amount of money, but old people feel happy when children give them money.I have seen children abandon their parents,some even work as a gynae in Singapore.
Pity the mother that has raise up a gynae, but end up alone. Its sad to see such scenerio, it reminds me not to be like this kind of people. Earning a lot but whats the point?
So, please be nice to your parents while they are still alive. We never know when someday they will just leave without saying goodbye.
To my daddy, although I din do my best, but at least, I have bring you to go hols,makan makan and those memories will always be in my mind.

Dreaming of the land of "sarang hae yo"

From TVB, i already switch to Korean drama since early of this year. Its not only that, along the way with my
Korean drama, I even began to admire Korean stars. Above is one of the stars I admire the most.He is no other
than the Asia Prince, Jang Keun Suk. Being an actor for more than 20 years, I feel he is different from others
Previously, I do like Lee Min Ho and also Kim Soo Hyun but JKS is definitely different. What attracts me is his voice
. I downloaded all his songs and I even bought his latest album online to support him.
What so special about him? To me, he is a very hardworking star compare to others.
Although he is busy with his singing career, he is still active as an actor with acting in a drama once a year.
Besides that, singing and acting is not only his task, he is also involved in his web radio, zikzin radio.
I listened to it and can feel his way of thinking on a lot of topics is very mature and his attractive voice
capture my heart as well.Although there was a lot of rumours for the last 4 years, as he is a bit wild during
Team H party, I believe everyone got their evil side but as long as we saw the positive side, it is enough.
Will always support him and looking forward to his next drama.

Wonderful Memories

Feel a bit emo today.Although I always act strong in front, but deep inside, I am just a normal human. Two years has passed since my beloved daddy left.Hanging on there, I told myself but I just feel tired nowadays Its not that I gave up , just want to have a break so that I can recharge myself. Sometimes I will think of a fren, wonder where he is now. Perhaps married with children?Memories...they are so precious.Each time I hear Leo Ku's song,love and honesty, I will think of him. I remember the time we spend together, it was one of the happiest time of my life, no worries, just me and you in that small office. You know I like Leo Ku song, you will sing it for me and purposely,on the song on your hp. I will forever remember your face that time..Although we no longer contact each other, I still thankful to have such a wonderful memories. It is true frens come and go but the frens I made along the way , they are always on my mind(unless I nyanyuk one day)

What is happiness to you?

Something came up my mind this morning. How do you define happiness? What actually satisfies you? I believe Happiness is something all of us will be after. I was even approached by one of my junior on a project called "Happy Life". So, what is happiness to you? Is happiness the day you walk on the aisle where you made your wedding vows in front of your family and frens? Do you think those fairy tale in Disney movies with the ending "happily ever after" is true? I used to think that was called happiness when I was a kid. When I was a kid,life has been great and I can say it was the happiest phase in my life as I dont have worries, everyday it is about playing with other kids,I do not know what is having money or how to make more money, the problems in life.It was great till you can always see a chubby girl smilling always in almost every pic my parents took of me. However , as I grew up, when I look at my own pics, I have changed from a cute ,cheerful girl into someone who seldom smiles. The smiles has been probably reduced 80% compare to when I was a kid.The reality sucks.I have always wanted to go back time but it is impossible right? Like the saying "time is gold, once passed, you can never get it back".The day I lost my beloved daddy is one of the saddest day in my life.I knew someday he will leave me, but not that soon not in such a way without saying goodbye. Only god knows how much pain I went through that night. In the midst of darkness, is it possible to find happiness? I feel almost impossible. There is no smile. I sort of collapsed , losing the battle with happiness. But it is not the end, if we think that happiness is gone, thats where we land ourself into the land of depression. Time passed, and I found my happiness back but it is never the same happiness I experience when I was a kid. To me, happiness is when you spend time with your loved one by going to hols, happiness when I achieved my KPI and when I bought another property with my own hard earned money. Thats the happiness I define for myself. Although I dont have the luck/good fate on having a child,I am sure a child is also consider a happiness for every parents but I feel blessed to find my "the one". We might want a lot of things in life but if it is not fated,we also cant do anything.I feel I can find other happiness to compensate those things we cant have. Life is indeed a roller coaster , with ups and down.

Sabah trip ( March 2014)

Q2 2014 coming to an end

Well, I din even realized that it has been more than 3 months I didnt write a new post in my blog. Time flies in 2014. Well, to sum up, Q1 2014 has been really good. Went to Sabah in March and it was really a great, relaxing trip with dear. Food there is great and I ate lobster for the first time. Cost rm90 but consider cheap as it was a huge one. Been working hard for the first quarter due to bonus will be out in April 2014 and I need to ensure I met all the KPI set. Unfortunely, I only manage to met 5/6 KPI. Although a bit dissapointed with myself,I have to admit I din put enough effort. Will try my best this year. Satisfied with the three months bonus(better than my previous company) but not sure how long I can stay in this company. Boss driving me crazy once a week, its hard to tolerate with single lady boss. Things doesnt go too well in my family. I feel sad each time when I feel my siblings seems to wonder off far away. I tried my best to keep everyone together but seems I have failed. Things got heated up during the week that we went to court to settle dad's assets. Arguments and we sort of shouting and yell at each other. Not to mention, my mum keep crying and being unreasonable.I ask myself, what happen to my family? If dad was around, he probably will be very sad to see our family in such a state. I was at a lost on what to do that time. Elder sis sort of lost control of herself that time. Mum was in a very sad, emotional state. In my mind, I was whispering "daddy, can u help us to go through such hard times?" The court session went well and although things are back to normal now but deep inside, I knew, the torns will always be there and there is nothing can be done to remove it away. Just as the sadness of losing my daddy, it will never fade away in my mum heart no matter how long the time passed. Life still have to go on.Sometimes, I tried to make my mum understand but her stuck up attitude refuse to listen. Each time, she was telling me on "there is no difference with having children with no children". I feel she was being not satisfied with life, ungrateful with what she had and I tell her straight on the face as well. She will said "no", living in a state of denial. I have tried to ask my colleague on this kind of problem. According to her, parents tend to be like that as they have some influence from their frens where this frens have ungrateful children being bad to them, causing them to brainwash the other party as well. I find this really true. This is because my mum do have a couple fren where their children doesnt bother about them and they sort of complaining their children to my mum. I m not saying this couple is bad but somehow, they do influence my mum until she keep feeling the children sort of abandon her(which is not true at all). I have no idea on how to fix this. Mentality is the hardest thing to fix as there is no control on this.Its really hard , I dont want to scold my mum on this , I just want her to know, we ,as children, we tried our best. You cant expect too much and I dont like the idea of parents threatening the children with materials. Well, my health sort of ok but I getting sick of the catering food thus decided to end it end of May and will resume cooking by myself. Mum keep buggin me on the "having children" issue. The series of I going to visit gynae from last year till April 2014 was a series of nightmare. I hate the idea of going through such thing. I do this for my hubby but I dun know how to make him understand the concept of "its just the two of us" and we should enjoy each other company instead of having kids. Reaching 30 soon and I realized the chance of conceiving a child is less than 50%. I am tired of trying, frankly speaking. If fated, then we just need to accept it. All I ask for is to have good health, good menstrual cycle. Please grant me this. I dont ask for more.

Being EMO....

Sometimes when I am sad, I dont show it but it doesnt mean I am not crying inside , its just that I prefer to look at the positive side rather than the negative side. I dont talk about it doesnt mean I dun have feelings , it is just that I hold on to the principle "life just have to go on". No matter how challenging the path look, we still have to go through it. Cant sit down and keep crying. It doesnt helps I always remind myself that no matter what happens, I need to be strong. Sometimes I wish to share my sorrow with my dear, but deep down, I know it will only make him unhappy with me,thus I normally drop the idea of telling him how I feels. Sometimes, I cried at night without anyone knowing, crying myself to sleep. Its always not easy during this time of the year. Its a new beginning of the Chinese calendar year, but yet i feel very sorrowful each time I think of another year without my daddy.Besides that, it is not the only thing that make me sad. The truth about my condition, deep down i know, its fated that we will never have baby teh junior.I dont know how to put in words each time I think of this problem. The only thing that comforts my mind is life is not perfect, we cant have everything. Be thankful of what we have.Looking at my surroundings, yes, I do have a lot of material things, a nice house to stay, car, and few other properties for investment. My dear also treating me good, a good job with a good boss but yet I cant have kids of my own. I lost one of the most important person in my life, my daddy. Each time I think of him, tears will be rolling down my cheeks. I sometimes ask god, why ? why so soon? Perhaps I didnt do enough charity? I dont think so as I always do charity whenever anyone approach me on donating things. Perhaps I not being nice enough? I am not friendly? The only conclusion I can think of is "It is fated". We just need to accept it.Instead of thinking about kids, I choose to make myself busy. Fully occupied my time with my work. I hate to talk about this topic, and I never mention much about dad too although mum always talking about it. God, please be merciful and help me to forget all those sadness...